When thinking about success, it’s easy to segue into the subject of happiness or even to confuse the two. The bottom line for either may be the same for both; IE, when I become successful I will be happy.

When thinking about happiness, however, I can’t help but wonder if it is a matter of psychology. Is there such a thing as happiness or are there only phenomena which disrupt our sense of normalcy and thus make us feel not so happy.

Not that I’m sad or anxious (as a constant) or angry at the world. I’m in a better place than I was a couple of years ago. I have a steady job which I am very thankful for. I keep in touch with loved ones on a regular basis. I eat well… maybe a little too well. I am learning not to be self-destructive (or believe that I am indestructible) by sleeping well (or as best I can), etc.

It may come down to having bought into the dream of one day being a “successful” artist, and in my head it’s only been an idea; while, in my head, that idea was associated with very strong emotions. I may just be letting go of these emotions as I come to terms with another idea and that is a future filled with much less fanfare and much more of what everybody else is doing.

It feels… boring.

I feel like I’m going through or I’ve been going through withdrawal of a very addictive drug. Dare I say… ego…

I sound like a narcissist… or maybe just a dreamer who should wake up finally before another few decades have passed and all I’m left with is a dream that had the sole purpose of maintaining a sense of self that could be located only in the future.

So… it’s easy. I just let go of that idea of myself.

But I love that idea. I’ve been dreaming of that idea for the better part of my adult life.

When I had nothing else, I’ve had that idea. To let go of her would be to let go of a whole human being. It would feel like a loss of…

Maybe I’m grieving.

But that’s absurd.

It’s more likely that I have a chip on my shoulder and, when I was young, I believed I had so much potential, and seeing that potential not yet fulfilled I am disappointed with myself.

But hey… I’m still alive and well… I just don’t have as much time in the day to do all the things I’ve been wanting to do… to achieve the goals I’ve been wanting to achieve…

and on and on it goes…

Okay… maybe I don’t have this figured out. But who does?  

Maybe I’m looking for some definitive happy ending and life just doesn’t work that way. Maybe my head is filled with big ideas that were created by other people… and I should know better already…

Maybe the first step is to inquire in a more practical way what is real and what is not real, what is true at least for myself and what has been false.

This is a part of a small series of posts, called Notes for a Younger Self. I’ve edited them to make them more cohesive. You can find the original post here.