Writers have the power to create meaning. Each word is a concept and the use of the word — on a communal level — helps us develop the concept by how we use the word.
Writers can elicit emotions and that has value for the emotion and its potential influence. Influence can have a bearing on the tangible, but looking at the value of the tangible, I wonder about value itself.
Is value real?
Looking at the little things one day, I see value.
Looking at the same little things another day, I don’t see value, and the lack of value helps me see the role I had in what I saw before.
This feels like a matter of psychology.
I think I see what I want to see.
Most days I see the good.
Other days, it’s easier if I did not have the tangible in front of me. It’s easier if I could only imagine what it would feel like to have them. I could imagine that they or some other thing could bring me joy.
But that’s pessimistic. Why focus on the lack of something? Why not focus on the good? If you see value in X, even if it’s only on some days, then X can have value. It is, then, a matter of psychology.
I feel like I am chasing a high, and when it’s gone, I feel like I am only looking for the next thing that can amuse me.
If this is a matter of psychology, then what I say might not have value to anyone else, and I want others to see what I see.
I want to see something that is true.
I wonder if I’m looking for something to believe in.
Or does the desire for others to see what I see stem from something else… validation? Verification? Some sense of unification or a desire for reliability… to know that not everything has to change so much and so often.
Some days, my work will not leave me with a high but only the work itself.
The challenge is to continue with the work and seeing the value in the work.
It shouldn’t feel like work. No, it shouldn’t feel like a chore. If I say “work,” I can mean it is born out of or elicits a sense of discipline. Saying “X feels like a chore” is not like saying “while doing X I feel a sense of discipline”
Does “sense of discipline” go back to self-worth?
If you start taking pride in having a sense of discipline and it has become a way for you to see yourself, then it has become a matter of ego. If you are guided by a sense of discipline and it’s just a feeling born out of the rhythm of the routine, then it is a part of one’s quality of life.
I sound like somebody consumed by her ego, and that’s sad given how little I have to show for it.
But why do I fault myself for this?
It’s a distraction.
So? What if I can still get the work done?
It’s not just about being productive or what I produce. I am also working on becoming a better human being.
But isn’t one’s concern over being a better human being a matter of ego?
I want to work on myself and do so not for the sake of feeling proud.
Hmm… maybe I have a problem with how chasing the feeling of pride can feel like chasing another high.
It feels superficial.
It feels like it’s only for the sake of how one feels and that can change day by day.
This is a part of a small series of posts, called Notes for a Younger Self. I’ve edited them to make them more cohesive. You can find the original post here.